Wednesday 23 September 2015

It would be so nice if something made sense for a change

So this post will probably be a bit of a downer as I'm not in the best of places at the moment. I haven't written a post in so long because i haven't really felt the need (which is a good thing). Unfortunately, things have taken a turn for the worse regarding my mental stability and i thought it might help to unload all my thoughts and feelings onto here. There is your warning, please don't read if it's going to upset/trigger/piss you off.

I think people who have never experienced a mental illness don't truly understand how absolutely exhausting it can be. I feel like i am at war with my own mind, constantly trying to ignore and reject the thoughts that keep invading. Thoughts like "You're useless at your job", "No one actually likes you", "You're a waste of space". If i sat here and listed all of the irrational, illogical, invasive thoughts i had, we could be here till Christmas. It's just exhausting. And what makes it even worse, is that I KNOW they aren't true. I know that I'm good at my job as i've had many lovely colleagues tell me so. I know that people like me because i have questioned them and they have replied with "Of course!". And i know i'm not a waste of space because i do try hard to fight this battle and i want to help make a difference. The trouble is, just because I know these things, doesn't stop the thoughts from swirling in my head. And when you have a thought in your head for long enough, you start to wonder whether it is actually true. And when you've been fighting against these thoughts for what feels like forever, sometimes you just have to let them win.

I think one of the reasons that mental illness has always been surrounded in stigma is because you can't see it. You can't see that a person who is smiling, bright and bubbly on the outside is actually fighting a war on the inside. It's much easier to be sympathetic with someone who is puking their guts up than it is to someone who seems ok. In the past, I've rung in sick and felt the need to lie, saying i've had stomach bugs when really it is my brain being a dick because I was worried what they would think of me. Would they think i was lazy? Couldn't be bothered to get out of bed? Pulling a sickie? It's much easier to say "I'm not coming in today because i can't leave the toilet" than to say "I can't come in because me and my brain are at war and i'm exhausted and want to hide under a duvet all day because i feel like i can't move or breathe". Luckily for me, my work are very understanding and have given me a lot of support. But this isn't the case everywhere and I'm sure many people have felt the need to pretend they are physically ill rather than mentally.

It is also extremely difficult to justify the fact that you aren't in work. "What do you mean you can't move? Just get up". Sounds oh-so-simple and yet, there are days when you physically can't. I've had days where i will just sit and stare at something, like the washing machine, for hours. Just sat doing nothing but breathing and blinking. I keep telling myself to move but it's almost as if my body won't listen. And then, when you 'snap out of it', you feel so guilty for not being at work, or not doing anything, because everyone else is, and they can cope, and they don't have to have time off work because they can't move. Of course, the guilt makes you feel worse and you get lower, so you have more days where you can't move and can't go into work, making you feel more guilty - and so the spiral begins. One of the joys of depression, is the depression spiral; you get frustrated that you're depressed and feel useless, making you feel more depressed and more useless, and so on. Many people believe that it is this pattern of negative thinking that keeps depression going. But have you ever tried to change the way you think? It's not the easiest thing in the world. 

And before you ask, no there isn't a reason. There isn't a cause. There isn't anything that has happened to make me feel worse. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling as if the world was on top of me, suffocating me and that feeling hasn't quite lifted yet. I realise this post is very "woe is me, my life sucks" but actually my life doesn't suck. I love my life. I love my job, my friends, my family. I'm just unlucky to be one of the millions of people who have to live with a mental illness everyday of their life. And sometimes, you just need a good moan!