Wow. Firstly i'd like to say that i'm sorry i haven't written anything in 7 months...! I guess life caught up with me a bit. Also, I haven't felt the urge or the need to write anything despite there being lots to write about. I'm happy to say that things are going extremely well in my life. I have a job that I absolutely adore and for once, i feel like i know where i stand in life. Whilst i do have the occasional freak out over the fact that i am a grown up now, no longer in education, working a proper full time job, i feel pretty stable (not sure how i feel about that word but hey, it's going in for now). But I don't always feel this way and for a long time, every day was a challenge. And so we come to my reason for writing this post - it is Self Injury Awareness Day. I guess you could say this is my story/confession/experience.
I've never really talked about my self harming in much detail to anyone, apart from very close friends. The first time i self harmed, i was probably around 14 or 15 (I don't remember exactly) and at the time, i didn't get the relief that i would later on. It hurt. And i thought 'God, why do people do this?' I didn't feel better afterwards, i just felt stupid for having tried it in the first place. I remember that i only managed a small scratch on my leg. But then things started to get worse and i felt like i couldn't breathe, couldn't move for the weight pressing down on me. I felt like i was going to explode at any moment and the only thing i could think of was to try again, to try and get that release that i so desperately needed. And i did. All the emotional pain and confusion i was feeling could suddenly be turned into something physical, something i could see. It somehow made everything more real, made me feel less like i was drifting, invisible to others. I started cutting myself most nights, mainly on my legs where i knew no one would be able to see.
I moved from my legs to my arms. I remember feeling like i wanted someone to see. I wanted someone to know what i was going through. So many people say how self harm is just attention seeking, and perhaps there is an element of it. When you feel so alone and isolated from everyone else, can you blame a person for wanting someone to notice that things aren't ok? All you want is for someone to understand, to help. But at the same time, you don't want to be a burden on others, you don't want people to judge you or think you're a 'freak'. I was now self harming in a place which other people could easily see. But i didn't want them to. I began wearing long sleeved tops, even if it was hot out. I'd try any excuse not to go swimming at school and took extra care in the changing rooms. But it never felt like enough. Sure, it would give me some relief, make things seem a little more easy. But i'd wake up the next day and be back to square one, feeling like there was a weight on my chest. I felt like i was continually treading water, it was exhausting. For me, it got to the stage where self harm wasn't enough anymore and i started to feel suicidal. I won't go into details about this moment in my life, as i still struggle to talk about it, and generally wish that i could forget that it ever happened. I can't imagine the pain that i must have put my family and friends through. And i still feel guilty about it, even though it was 7 years ago. All i can say is that i felt like i had no other option.
Things started to get better. I started seeing a councillor every week and it helped a lot to talk about how i was feeling. But it still didn't keep the thoughts at bay. I was still self-harming, although it wasn't on as regular a basis as it had been. I was put on antidepressants when i was 16, and i've been on them in some form or another ever since.
I think that with self harm, once you have felt that relief, you are constantly trying to find it again. It becomes a cushion you can fall back on when things aren't going so well. Because you know that self harming will give you that release, it becomes something that you know is going to help. I'm happy to say that for the most part, i'm good at ignoring these urges. But i have had a few 'relapses' i guess you could call them. I had a pretty bad one over summer, but i haven't self harmed since then. I find it much easier to talk about now, and i know which friends i can talk to who won't judge me for feeling the way i do. I think having days such as SIAD and Mental Health Awareness Day really are helping to break through the stigma surrounding mental health issues. And i hope, by writing this post, I'm helping in a small way.
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