My name is Georgie and I'm an emotional wreck

Well as the title suggests this is a post/rant about what it's like to be an emotional wreck. For starters you never know what is going to set you off; maybe that really cute fluffy puppy or maybe a slightly emotional advert (I'm looking at you Pets at Home with your cute animals and children being best friends that makes me well up every time it comes on the TV). It might even be during the BAFTAs when a montage of Julie Walters' work is shown (yes this did happen). Of course, they always say that it is a good thing to be in touch with your emotions, in fact, crying can sometimes be healthy. But then there's me. Anyone who knows me knows how much i cry. Crying is my go to reaction to lots of things; stress, anger, happiness, hysteria, cuteness, tiredness, basically everything. I'm not really sure why i'm like this. It's safe to say that i think i've only ever seen my dad cry twice and my mum only really cries when we've had to have one of our animals put down or if there's a particularly sad movie on. Now i do know that my brother is quite in touch with his emotions (especially when alcohol is involved). The fact that when we went to my cousin's wedding we were about the only two people in the whole place crying during the speeches is testament to that (even our cousin's sisters weren't crying!) So it's nice to know that i'm not the only one in the family who likes a good cry (he is going to hate me for this....Sorry Will!) But no one is as bad as me.

The worst is when I'm having one of those I've-started-crying-and-now-it-won't-stop moments. When the flood gates have been opened that it's, i'm gone. I'm a mess of tears, mascara, snot, hiccuped breathing, all of it. Crying is definitely not an attractive trait. In fact, i'm not sure how actors make themselves look relatively normal when they are crying. Even the slightest amount of tears will make my eyes go red and puffy, my nose goes red, i get the whole wobbly lip thing. So not only am i an emotional wreck, i'm also an ugly crier. Yay for me! I hate it when i'm having an argument and i start crying because then i find it extremely difficult to say anything or stand up for myself. I just close up and can't speak and then i get the panicked breathing/crying thing that is just brilliant. And that just makes whoever i'm arguing with even more angry at me because i freeze up and can't speak.

'Just get a grip' i hear you shout. Believe me i've tried! I keep trying! I look up, which is supposedly meant to help stop tears, but has never really worked for me. I try taking a few deep breaths. I try to distract myself. Nothing seems to work particularly well. We had our Graduation Ball last Friday and i was a complete wreck that night. It was slightly more understandable as we are all leaving uni and won't be seeing each other as much as we have over the past few years (and of course alcohol was involved), but i was the only one who properly cried out of my friends. Of course, they expected nothing less from me having spent 3 years dealing with my ability to cry at everything and anything. But once it started, i couldn't stop. Graduation i'm sure will be another week of tears for me, although hopefully i will be able to keep them at bay until after my photo has been taken!

God knows what i'll be like when i have children of my own. Watching 'One Born Every Minute' is definitely dangerous territory for me. And any programme that involves baby animals. In fact, just being around babies (of all species) can be a dangerous emotional-wreck-inducing situation. Every time i hold a baby, i can feel the tears stinging at my eyes.  I'm hoping that this is a slightly more normal thing to cry at....i mean it is pretty amazing and magical how that tiny human develops. Animals are also dangerous territory, especially if they are injured or have to be put down or something similarly sad (don't even get me started on 'Marley and Me', i don't think i've ever cried so much at a film). It's not just TV that make me cry, books do it too. Or even an emotional news story. To be honest, anything remotely sad or emotional can set me off.

I'm sure i'm not alone in this although i definitely think i am quite young to be such an emotional wreck. It's definitely more understandable when you are older, but i'm 21 years old and i'm pretty sure i've cried more than anyone in my family has, and with a combined age of 126 years, that's saying something. Who knows why i'm like this?! I certainly don't but it's something that i've had to deal with. It's just another part of who i am, albeit a very annoying part of who i am. Because there's being in touch with your emotions and then there's me.

Going through the motions

Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions to get through a day? You get up, you eat, you talk when spoken to, but you never really feel connected to it. You don't feel sad or happy, you just feel nothing. Nothing seems to make you feel happy or sad or anything. I don't know whether 'normal' people have days like this, i don't know whether it's just a 'crazy person' thing or whether it is a usual occurrence. Maybe it's because I've finished uni and i don't have anything to do so i don't feel like I have a purpose, i'm not sure, but i've had several days like this recently. I'll get up and do the things that i need to do for that day, but i don't really feel connected to any of it. I'll smile and laugh and talk when it's needed, but inside i feel strangely hollow. Gosh that sounds terribly melodramatic, but it's the only word i can think of to describe how i feel when i have days like this. I don't know whether it would be classed as dissociation or not, but there are definitely times where i lose touch with reality. This is a normal occurrence for everyone, for instance, if you're driving home and you don't quite remember how you got there. The route is so familiar to you that you go through the motions of driving home without thinking about it. This is a very common and mild example of dissociation.

Now this is fine, what's not fine is when you dissociate when you are having a lovely meal with your friends. This happened to me the other day when i went outside for a cigarette. As i came back in, i couldn't tell if what was happening was real or whether i was dreaming. My legs were moving me to the table that we were sat at but it didn't feel real. I didn't feel in control of my body. It happened to me again on Friday. I had a strange sense of deja vu, that this exact scene had happened to me before and just like that, i couldn't tell if it was real or not. It's a rather unnerving thing to happen to you, especially as there are no warnings signs as to whether it's going to happen or not. One minute you are fine and the next, you feel detached from reality. You feel as if you looking at yourself from a distance but at the same time, you know you are in your body. (I don't think that makes any sense but it's all very strange anyway!)

I can only compare it to those dreams you have where you are running but moving too slowly and no matter how hard you try to move faster, you can't because you aren't in control of your limbs. Or those dreams where you feel like you are watching yourself from a distance. Dissociating (or whatever it is that's happening) feels very similar to that, or it does to me anyway. As i've said before, we are all individuals and we all experience things in different ways. Perhaps it's because i don't have a routine anymore and anyone who knows me well, knows how important routines are to me. Perhaps i just need to find more things to do with my free time, i'm not sure. All i know is that this has been happening more frequently than it ever has before. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it which is why i wrote this blog. I thought putting it down into words would help me to make more sense of it, although i still feel confused and like I'm just going through the motions of my life. Who knows, maybe i'm just losing my mind (well losing it even more than i already am!)