Monday 12 May 2014

My life is a nightmare [TRIGGER WARNING]

A fair warning, this post may be (who am i kidding, it is) a bit of a downer, i'm not in the best of moods at the moment, maybe it's because i answered a question on self harm and suicide in prisons this morning, I'm not sure. I won't be going into a lot of detail, but i will be talking about things that some people will be uncomfortable reading. Please stop now if you are, i don't want to upset anyone, i just feel like it's time to talk about it.
I haven't really gone into too much detail of my experience with depression, some aspects are pretty personal (and i am definitely ashamed of some bits as well) but as i'm feeling down at the minute i thought maybe writing about it would help me. Depression is a horrible, tiring, frustrating, down right annoying thing. It lurks in the corner of your mind like a shadow, waiting to spring out and attack you with thoughts and feelings that aren't pleasant. I had my first exam today and i can't bring myself to feel good about the fact that i've got this far. It's an achievement, i know that, but it can be so hard to see yourself in a positive light. It's silly, i know, but i feel as if i'm going to fail at everything. I keep jumping the hurdles that life throws at me but at times, all i want to do is get swept away with the tide. I can't though, i know that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like that. Some people use their depression or mental illness as an excuse. And i know we all cope in different ways, but it does annoy me when i see people wallowing and just letting their mental illness control their life. I try so hard everyday to fight against mine. And do you know what? It's bloody exhausting! When you know you have a deadline or revision to do or even going out for a meal with friends, they can seem like the hardest of things. You just want to crawl into bed,  pull the duvet over your head and sleep until it's all over. But you can't, you have to get up and you have to get on with it. This is a battle i face nearly everyday. Some days are worse than others, some days i wake up and nothing can stop me. But a lot of the time, i feel as if i have no energy. The simplest of tasks seem to sap every last ounce of strength i have. I think people who have never experienced depression don't realise how tiring it is to constantly fight your own body, to constantly ignore the bad thoughts. And i think it's hard to understand that whilst everyone feels stressed during a deadline or exam, imagine how hard it can be for people like me. When all you can think is 'I'm a failure, what's the point?' And it doesn't matter how many times people tell you that you aren't, it doesn't stop you thinking that way. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if you have the physical proof that you are doing well.
Maybe i should explain my title a bit better. I said this in passing as a joke to one of my friends at uni the other day. But the more i think of it, the more it seems true. Yes there are good days, and i'm pleased to say that i normally have more good days than bad days. But can you imagine having to constantly battle against yourself? To constantly ignore all the urges to just give in? When i refer to 'urges' and 'bad thoughts' i mean self harm. My experience of depression began with me self harming when i was 15. At the time i didn't really know what was going on, i didn't realise that i was suffering from a mental illness. It just became a way for me to cope with how i was feeling. It became an escape, a place i could go when life seemed too difficult. And after i got help, saw a councillor, and moved on with my life it stopped. But the stresses of uni brought back the feelings and the urges again. I have to admit i have not been on the best of behaviour over my 3 years. But i also haven't been at my worst. It's been 3 months since the last time and i'm proud of that. Self harm is like an addiction; you know that if you do it, you'll only get a temporary relief, but you also know that that relief is like the sun bursting through the clouds on a cloudy day. Sounds romantic, right? Well no, it's not. Because after you've done it, the guilt of what you have done comes flooding back. And then you feel just as bad, if not worse, than you did before. And yet, like an addiction, you go crawling back to it when the going gets tough. I have these urges a lot, in fact i have them a lot more than i've ever been willing to tell anyone (well guess the cat's out of the bag now) but i fight them. And most of the time i win. But it does seem so easy sometimes to just let it happen. I will always have something by my bed or in my drawer, it brings me a strange sort of comfort to know that it's there if i need it. Don't worry, as i said, it's been 3 months and just because i'm writing this doesn't mean i feel like doing anything. I've become pretty good at ignoring it and i turn to other things to distract me (namely food - i am a MASSIVE comfort eater). Sometimes just watching a sad film and having a good old cry will sort it out. But the urges are still there, just subdued for the moment.
Depression can feel like there is a weight on your chest, pushing you down and stopping you from rising. Your limbs can feel tired and achy (kind of like when you have the flu but on a regular basis). And whilst you know that getting up and going outside for some fresh air, or sitting in the living room with your friends will help, sometimes it's easier just to roll over and hide away. It's silly really because you feel isolated when you are depressed but at the same time you isolate yourself. Sometimes you feel like you want to be alone but a lot of the time you don't want to be a burden on your friends. I don't want to be that person who sits in the corner of the room sulking and waiting for someone to ask me what's wrong. Or the person who shuffles around the house, silently waiting for someone to come to them. You become your own worst enemy, feeling lonely but staying alone or feeling down but not finding someone to talk to. And so you shut your door and keep your miserable self to yourself. But sometimes, in a moment of clarity, you realise that it's not all bad, that there are people who love you, that you aren't the hideous monster you perceive yourself to be. Sometimes you can wake up and think 'Yep, i've got this! Bring it on!' You can look in the mirror and think you look pretty or find yourself free of the weight and full of energy. Only to wake up the next day, back to exactly how you were before, the weight on your chest, the urges back, and another day to battle the seemingly never-ending battle. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why my life is a nightmare!
(Sorry for the depressing tone)

3 comments:

  1. I know hun <3. Sometimes we just have to cling to the hope that the good days makeit worthwhile I think. And yes we do love you :p... and don't care if you're sulking in a corner we're just glad you're there.
    On a totally different note buton the subject of 'having something near' it might amuse you to know I accidently smuggled a razor blade through customs lol.
    Wow I ramble, think I left my brain in Cyprus!!! Xxxx

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  2. As someone who is not a sufferer of mental health, this is a unique insight, and one you should be proud that you have shared. You are not your illness, but you're certainly one of the most beautiful people I know. You are stronger than you know. x

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  3. you need to put spaces between your paragraphs to break it up and make it more readable.

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